| Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
| It's a jungle out there! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
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We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the... Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden >> wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you >> receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release >> an >> escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are >> standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear >> it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. >> Making a >> joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. >> >> JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) >> >> Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine >> guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. >> If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone >> has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just >> occurred. >> >> COURTESY FLUSH >> >> Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone >> of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an >> undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop >> has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing >> the >> WALK OF SHAME. >> >> WALK OF SHAME >> >> Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after >> you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable >> moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to >> pretend that the smell does not exist. >> >> >> OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER >> >> Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. >> You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom >> with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the >> office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom. >> >> THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) >> >> Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure >> emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help >> you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify >> SAFE HAVENS. >> >> SAFE HAVEN >> >> Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where >> you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of >> the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex >> entering the bathroom. >> >> TURD BURGLAR >> >> Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall >> and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking >> and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If >> this >> occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURG leaves. This way you will >> avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. >> >> CAMO-COUGH >> >> Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the >> bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a >> WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when >> used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. >> >> ASTAIRE >> >> Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD >> BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt >> that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the >> bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. >> >> WATERMELON >> >> Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet >> water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a >> WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. >> >> HAVANA OMELET >> >> Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud >> splashesin the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using >> a >> CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE. >> >> UNCLE TED >> >> Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. >> Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or >> sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on >> the >> crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the >> bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom >> attendees. >> >> FLY BY >> >> Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk >> in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, >> leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT >> FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going >> into >> the bathroom. >> >> CRACK WHORE >> >> Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. >> Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit >> streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when >> the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE >> can >> become a SAFE HAVEN. >> | |||||||||||||||||||||||
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